Hey mama, let's have a heart-to-heart today. If you're reading this, chances are you've had that gut-wrenching thought: "I'm failing at this whole motherhood thing." First, I want you to take a deep breath. You're not alone in this – not even close.
As a therapist working with new mums, I hear these stories every day, and one thing is crystal clear - you're all trying so incredibly hard.
Let's talk about some of those moments that might be triggering these thoughts of failure.
Maybe your birth didn't go as planned. You had that beautiful birth plan written out, but emergency interventions meant everything went differently. Or perhaps you're struggling with breastfeeding – cracked nipples, low supply, or a baby who just won't latch – while Karen from NCT group keeps talking about her "oversupply issues."
Then there's the sleep thing. Oh, the sleep thing. Everyone on Instagram seems to have these angelic babies who sleep through the night at six weeks, while you're six months in, running on your fifth coffee, wondering if you'll ever sleep again. And let's not even get started on those helpful comments from relatives about how "in their day, babies just slept."
Why Do I Feel Like We're Failing As a Mum?
Here's the thing – these feelings of failure don't just appear out of nowhere. They're born from a perfect storm of unrealistic societal expectations, lack of support, and the myth of the "perfect mother" that we've all been fed since childhood.
We're expected to bounce back physically, return to work like nothing happened, maintain a spotless house, cook nutritious meals, stimulate our baby's development with sensory activities, all while functioning on broken sleep. Oh, and don't forget to "enjoy every moment" because "it goes so fast"!
But here's what society conveniently forgets to mention: motherhood isn't meant to be a solo sport. We're living in a time where the village it takes to raise a child has largely disappeared, replaced by social media highlight reels and overwhelming pressure to do it all, be it all, without missing a beat.
Training Your Brain in Self-Compassion
But mama, I've got something powerful to share with you – an antidote to these feelings of failure. It's called self-compassion, and while it might sound simple, it's actually a powerful tool backed by neuroscience.
Think of your brain like a garden. Right now, those critical thoughts are well-worn paths, trails that your mind automatically follows because they're familiar. But here's the exciting part – you can create new paths. It's called neuroplasticity, and it means your brain can change and adapt throughout your life.
However (and this is important), just like a new path through a garden, it takes time and repetition to make these new ways of thinking stick. You wouldn't expect a garden path to appear after walking it once, right? The same goes for self-compassion – it's a practice, not a one-time fix.
Here's your three-step guide to starting this practice:
1. Notice and Acknowledge: When you catch that critical thought ("I'm such a failure because my baby won't sleep"), pause and say to yourself, "Ah, there's that critical thought again. I hear you, but we're going to put a different spin on it today." This simple act of noticing creates a tiny gap between the thought and your reaction to it.
2. The Friend Perspective: Ask yourself, "If my best friend was telling me she felt like a failure because her baby wouldn't sleep, what would I say to her?" Would you tell her she's failing? Or would you remind her that every baby is different, that sleep is developmental, and that struggling with it doesn't make her any less of an amazing mum?
3. Repeat with Patience: Each time you notice a critical thought, repeat this process. Some days it'll feel easier than others, and that's okay. Remember, you're creating new neural pathways in your brain – it's literally rewiring itself, and that takes time.
A key thing to keep in mind is that feeling like you're failing doesn't mean you are failing. In fact, the very fact that you care so much about doing right by your little one shows what an incredible mother you are. You're not failing – you're learning, growing, and doing the best you can with the resources you have.
And sometimes, the most powerful thing we can do is to be as kind to ourselves as we would be to a dear friend going through the same challenges. You've got this, and I'm right here with you on this journey.
If you're finding these thoughts overwhelming and would like support in developing your self-compassion practice, I hold a safe space for new mums to explore these feelings in one to one therapy sessions.
Just pop over to my Calendly booking link here to book a free 20 minute call. We’ll explore what you’re experiencing at the moment, how therapy can work for you and most importantly you get a chance to see how it feels for us to talk together because ultimately the most important thing in therapy is that you feel there’s a possibility you can trust me with the hard stuff.
Take care,
Claire
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