“Why Am I So Angry as a Mum?”

You try to tell yourself it’s just a bad day, that tomorrow will be different.

But it keeps happening.

You lose it over something small, a toy left on the floor, a child whining, a partner saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. You yell, slam a door, or mutter something you instantly regret. Then, as quickly as it came, the anger disappears and in its place, shame creeps in.

You hide in the bathroom. You over apologise. You wonder, What’s wrong with me? Am I destined to be an angry mum?

You’re not alone. And you’re not broken.

As a therapist working with mums experiencing anger and rage, I hear this all the time. The same spiral. The same confusion. And often, when we gently probe beneath the surface, there's something specific that comes up: Grief

The Quiet Grief Hiding Beneath Mum Rage

We don’t talk much about grief in motherhood. We talk about joy. We talk about sacrifice. We talk (sometimes) about postnatal depression or maternal anxiety. But what about the quiet, unnamed grief that so many mothers carry?

⭘ What about the loss of who you used to be?

⭘ What about the aching loneliness that can live inside a perfectly ‘happy’ family?

⭘ What about the grief of not feeling like yourself anymore, and not even having time to figure out who you are now?

Mum rage isn’t just about losing your temper. It’s often a symptom of something deeper, grief that hasn’t had space to breathe.

Signs You Might Be Carrying Unprocessed Grief

When I sit with mothers who feel ashamed of their anger, I don’t just hear frustration. I hear pain. And it shows up in so many ways:

• Frequent outbursts over small things, followed by guilt and emotional crash.

• Physical tension: clenched jaw, tight chest, aching shoulders, your body carrying what your mind can’t voice.

• Over-apologising after an episode, going above and beyond to make it up to your child or partner, as if you need to shrink yourself or fit an ideal as though to make up for having big emotions

• Thought spirals like:

  • “I didn’t used to be like this.”

  • “I feel like a bad mum.”

  • “Maybe I’m not cut out for this.”

If this feels familiar, what you’re dealing with might not just be “anger issues” or a short fuse. It might be unspoken, unprocessed grief.

Where the Grief in Motherhood Comes From

Not all grief is about death. Sometimes, it’s about the slow fading of parts of you that no one warned you you’d miss. Here are just a few of the griefs I often see in motherhood:

• Grieving your former self:  the version of you who had time, freedom, spontaneity, and autonomy.

• Grieving the mental load: being the one who thinks of everything, all the time, for everyone, and still feeling invisible.

• Grieving your birth or postpartum experience: if it didn’t go the way you hoped, but life moved on before you had a chance to process it.

• Grieving your own childhood: especially if you’re trying to be the calm, present mum you didn’t have, and finding it so hard without a template.

• Grieving the sudden identity shift: how life changed overnight, and your nervous system is still catching up.

These griefs are real. And they matter. But in a culture that praises productivity, selflessness, and ‘bouncing back’, they often go unnoticed, even by you.

So instead, they get buried.

And eventually, they explode.

What If Your Anger Is Trying to Protect You?

Here’s what I want every overwhelmed mum to know:

You’re not angry for no reason. You’re not a bad mum. You’re not failing. Your rage is not a moral failing. It’s a signal, a flare from your nervous system saying, “Something isn’t right. I need help. I can’t keep doing this alone.”

Anger often feels safer than sadness. It’s louder. More action-oriented. And in many ways, it helps you survive as it sets boundaries when you're too depleted to ask. It pushes back when you've been stretched too thin.

But you deserve more than survival. You deserve support, space, and healing.

What You Can Do Next

The first step is recognising that your anger holds information. It’s not the enemy, it’s a messenger.

Here are a few gentle ways to begin:

• Acknowledge the grief. Name it. Write it down. Even if it feels small or silly.

• Find a safe space to unpack it. That could be with a therapist, a trusted friend, or even a quiet moment with yourself.

• Notice the patterns. When does your anger spike? What’s happening around you? What does your body feel like?

• Show yourself compassion. You are doing something incredibly hard. You’re allowed to struggle. You’re allowed to need help.

  
  

This isn’t about “fixing” your anger, it’s about listening to it. Understanding where it’s coming from. And giving yourself the care and support you’ve been giving everyone else.

You’re Not Alone in This & You're Not Destined to be an Angry Mum

If any part of this resonated, if you felt seen in a way you didn’t expect, I want you to know you’re not the only one.

So many mums are grieving quietly behind closed doors, holding everything together on the outside while falling apart on the inside. You are not weak for feeling this way. You are human.

Right now, listening to what’s going on underneath the anger is the thing that’s going to quiet the anger. It’s going to give your mind the space it needs to hold more of your child's emotions so you can soothe them, it’s going to allow you to see that toy on the floor and think ‘there’s a toy on the floor’, not scream ‘WTF, WHY CAN’T ANYONE PUT ANYTHING AWAY?!!’, it’s going to allow you to feel calmer and more in control. 

If you’re looking for more support, the kind that honours the messy, invisible parts of motherhood, I share more reflections over on Instagram: @clairejuddtherapy. You’ll find tools, stories, and reminders that you are not alone and that you’re doing better than you think.

And if you're ready to unpack your rage and grief in a safe, supportive space, therapy might be the next step. 

I’m here when you’re ready.

💛 Claire

***********************************

Claire is an Integrative Psychotherapist specialising in supporting mums who desperately want to be calm and patient but find themselves simmering with rage that is getting harder to keep a lid on.

Claire knows what it's like because she's been there, she has two daughters and experienced rage after both, for different reasons. It was only when realising what was going on beneath that rage that she was able to feel more in control. This is why she helps other mums, she knows it can feel scary to say 'I get so angry' and she wants to break the stigma that's become associated with an emotion that actually is just trying to tell us something.

To book a free initial call with Claire, just click here