The postpartum period is often a whirlwind of emotions, weighing expectations vs reality, and a whole lot of sleep deprivation. As a postnatal psychotherapist, I’ve heard many mums being hard on themselves because they feel like they’re barely surviving. But what if, instead of criticising ourselves, we practised self-compassion?
And I hear you (and I've thought it myself!); “what the hell does that even mean?”, “I don’t need compassion, I need sleep!”
The unfortunate truth is, we can’t control how much our baby sleeps but we can control how we talk to ourselves. This blog focuses on how to be kinder to ourselves in this sleep deprived and challenging time.
What does ‘self-compassion’ mean?
Self-compassion in postpartum is about treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a close friend. It involves three key components:
Self-kindness: being gentle with yourself rather than harshly critical.
Recognizing our shared humanity: this helps us understand that we are not alone in our struggles, that new mums all around the world are experiencing similar difficulties.
Mindfulness: this involves being aware of our feelings without getting lost in them.
Together, these elements form a foundation for reducing the intense self-criticism that can arise in the postpartum period.
Learning Self-Compassion in Postpartum
For today let's start by changing the inner dialogue and focusing on self-kindness.
For many of us postpartum is the first time we are responsible for a vulnerable human being, the first time we’re not in control of what happens and the first time we need support in our otherwise strong and independent lives.
This can lead us to feel like we’re failing or not doing enough and that criticism leads us to google relentlessly…
‘How much milk is enough?’
How do I know if my baby is full?’
‘When should I start a sleep routine?’
‘How do I get my baby to sleep?’
We're then bombarded with an insane amount of information, much of it contradicting itself. So we start to think 'why can't I work this out', 'where's my mothering instinct', 'I should be a natural at this'. This slowly erodes our confidence and our self esteem and can fill us with anxiety, making us think that we should know what we’re doing when there’s no way we could know.
How do we change this?
A key part of self-compassion is learning to catch these thoughts...just notice them.
For example, say to yourself;
"I realise I’ve just been googling how to get my baby to sleep and I’ve been thinking ‘I’m no good at this’. I see that this is a negative thought about myself"
2. Once you notice these thoughts you can start to gently re-frame them:
For this example you might say "I think I’m no good at this but actually I can't control my baby's sleep and they're still learning and adjusting. We’ll learn and adjust together".
Reducing these thoughts free's our head space and stops it from making us even more tired than we already are.
Accepting the unpredictable and imperfect reality of postpartum.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing yourself to others or to an unrealistic standard or expectation. Maybe it’s mum-fluencers you follow on social media, maybe it’s other mums who seem to just do everything effortlessly, your Nan saying her babies slept through and were potty trained at 6 weeks old (hello, rose tinted glasses!), or maybe it’s the expectations that are fed to us from wider society. Where ever those expectations and standards are coming from, seeing them for what they are - unrealistic - is a crucial step.
Practising self-compassion requires embracing our imperfections and understanding that they are part of the journey. Some days will be harder than others, and that’s okay. You are not expected to be perfect; you are expected to be human. Think about what you’ve gone through. You’ve grown and birthed a whole human being. And now you are charged with keeping that vulnerable human being alive with no manual on how to do that and without the village we should have in society supporting you.
You’re doing all of that and you’re still going! That. Is. Amazing.
This is what to keep in mind, not those ridiculous standards that no one can keep. It's also always worth remembering that those influencers likely have a lot of help behind the scenes and though some are honest about that, not many are.
Developing a Daily Self-Compassion Routine
Incorporating self-compassion into your daily routine doesn’t have to be time-consuming or complicated though it is important to make it regular. Start with small, manageable practices. For example, begin each day by setting an intention to be kind to yourself. When you catch yourself in self-criticism, pause and take a deep breath. Remind yourself that you’re doing your best. You could also keep a journal where you note down moments when you were kind to yourself, helping to reinforce positive behaviours and the positive feelings it gives you. Over time, these small steps can lead to significant changes in how you treat yourself.
You do deserve compassion
Sometimes we can be so in the thick of it, so far down the rabbit hole of anxiety or feeling like a failure that we tell ourselves we don’t deserve compassion. This is a little reminder that even if you don’t feel like it, you are doing an incredible job. Imagine a friend telling you she was feeling so low and like she doesn’t deserve to be nice to herself, I’m sure you’d remind her of all the amazing things she is doing.
Be that friend to yourself.
Remember that self-compassion isn’t about being perfect; it’s about recognising your own worth and treating yourself with the kindness you deserve. By practising self-compassion, you not only help yourself but also model this valuable skill for your child. You’re worthy of the same love and care you give to others, and it’s okay to take time to nurture yourself. You don’t have to do it all alone—reach out for support when needed, and know that it’s a strength, not a weakness.
And if all of this just feels so far out of reach and you're stuck in the cycle of self-criticism that's where I can help.
Hi, I'm Claire, I specialise in postnatal therapy that helps break that cycle, we work together to free you from self-criticism, to reduce overwhelm, increase patience and ultimately find your spark in life again.
Pop over to this page to discover how we could work together and my free resources page for a guide that help you with discovering what you need right now to start your journey out of survival mode.
Take Care,
Claire x
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